Hi, I'm Brenda. My stand mixer is from 1987. It's beige, it sounds like a leaf blower, and in almost forty years it has never asked me to accept updated terms before I make cookie dough.
So I'm starting a list. I'm calling it the Dumb Appliance Registry. It's stuff you can still buy today that works without Bluetooth, without an app, and without charging you every month. You plug it in and it does its job. That's all I'm asking for.
First, though, I need to vent a little.
The Wall of Shame
Spotify Car Thing. Remember this? It was a little screen that clipped onto your dashboard so you could control Spotify. In 2024 Spotify said it was done with it, and in December they flipped a switch and every single one stopped working. No updates, no "it still works offline," nothing. Their advice was basically reset it and get rid of it. I keep picturing my old Sony car stereo and somebody from Sony showing up in my driveway to unscrew it.
HP printers. HP has been sued over all-in-one printers that supposedly won't scan when one of the ink cartridges is low. I don't know about you, but I've never needed cyan to scan a tax form. HP also blocks a lot of off-brand cartridges. And if you cancel Instant Ink, the subscription cartridges that are already sitting in your printer stop working. You paid for the printer. The ink is in your house. Still no.
Google Nest Secure. People spent real money on this home alarm system. Google pulled the plug in April 2024, and now it's just plastic on the wall. (Google did offer some replacement deals. That doesn't help much if you just want the thing you bought to keep working.)
[Optional: add your own story here, like a neighbor's fridge, your sister's thermostat, anything you saw happen yourself.]
The Registry
These are on the list because they work fine if the internet goes down tomorrow.
Kitchen
Dualit Classic toaster. It has a mechanical timer that ticks like a kitchen egg timer, and a big chunky lever. It's heavy. Probably heavier than it needs to be. I like that.
Technivorm Moccamaster. There's a power switch. You flip it and you get coffee. No touchscreen for your greasy fingers to smudge.
Zojirushi rice cooker (the older ones with the flowers on the side). It plays a little song when the rice is ready. My phone is not involved.
Laundry
Speed Queen TC5. Real knobs. You can turn them with wet, soapy hands and nothing beeps at you. It's not going to tell you a cycle "downloaded successfully," because what would that even mean.
Heating and cooling
Honeywell round thermostat (the non-programmable one). You turn the dial to the temperature you want. That's the whole interface. I'm pretty sure it doesn't know what Wi-Fi is.
Okay, your turn
I want this list to be useful for the day your smart fridge freezes up and you're shopping for a new one in a panic.
So tell me: what's the best dumb appliance in your house? Or what's the most ridiculous thing a "smart" one has made you do? (Make an account to run the dishwasher? I want to hear about it.)
Leave it in the comments. I'll go through them and update the list next month.
Originally published on Substack.
Comments